happy fall, folks.

i am thankful for her. 

what are you thankful for?

i love...

i love fall photo shoots with bri.
i love love singing ella fitzgerald & louie.
i love love love poetry readings & raw folk songs.
i love love love love little, giggling, blonde, baby boys.
i love love love love love new friends & a community of love.

-

tears of joy!

i saw ray lamontagne.
there are no words, just tears of joy, tears of joy, tears of joy!







my life is complete!

...

my real identity

colours

there are leaves in my hair.

i cannot play guitar.

ive always been too worried of what others will think of me to be an artist, a singer, a poet. ive had this constant fear of someone being able to look right inside of me if i were to spill my guts out in any of these ways. i see artists as the most brave people out there, no matter what they write or paint or sing. with everything they do, they put themselves on the line and show who they are, they allow themselves to be looked at and jugged and allow people to approve or not.

i wish i could be that way. but all of the things i do in private, i would never be able to show anyone. my own art is something that not another soul can see, because then it becomes tainted. instead of being something of beauty and release it turns into waves of worry and fear and loneliness. am i good? am i bad? i constantly long for peoples approval.
i always have something to say and a way i want to say it, but i am too afraid of peoples criticism. im too scared to be seen as wrong or illogical or dumb. i wholeheartedly fear the opinion of others. i can argue and debate in person but i cannot play guitar.

more and more lately ive had a longing to be that type of person who wants to sing for the sake of being heard, who can write for the sake of it being read, to create something for the sake of sight.

i wonder if this is the case for lots of people. i hope that what people see of others is just a small portion of a deep and intricate whole.
everyone but the artist is a coward.

nuit blanche! tonight!
and ive been playing with 3 little kittens allll day. i wish i wasnt so allergic...

its the saddest part of my day when you go away.

cozy day,

the day has been quite wet and dreary outside, ive been sleepy and cold but all of that misery always brings good things. french movies until 4am, knitted blankets and walking in the rain to buy pre-loved cds. i rather like this weather.
hawksley came to my school today and talked about canadaian politics for a long time, he is such a poet.
and we are a hopeful generation.
oh, and i made pumpkin scuffins to celebrate the first of october yesterday. they are a mixture of scones and muffins, they were delicious! cinnamon and brown sugar and the taste of fall. i love october.

on tuesday night,

one of my dearest friends graham and my favorite people from my teenage years are on tour with weezer! so on tuesday i got to see them play at the air canada center. it was one of the most exciting concerts i have ever been to... because... its WEEZER. (omg.)

oh, and angels and airwaves too. but ignore that. (ahah..)

i had to bring my camera even though i hate cameras at concerts...

we were very very far away, but i didnt mind. 

weezer invited lots of toronto musicians on stage to play their instruments. an old indian man in a white suit did a lovely accordian solo to "island in the sun". mmmhmmmm. 

sunday afternoon.

on sunday we slept in late then did a lot of roof reading, 

on saturday me and some of my roomates went to the applebutter and cheese festival. it was a long drive and we ate sooooo much food. 

these men were so cute! even though this picture is bad. 

i got a turkey leg that was the size of my FACE

it rained a little.

old lady square dancers. they were so cute!

it was a tiring day.

after this we all had 3 hour naps.

our friday evening in fall.

 the past few days have been really great. lots of adventures.. each adventure will get a seperate post. 

this was our friday evening in fall. it was a really beautiful day filled with lots of amaretto gelato and books and cowboy boots that dont fit me and saying goodbye to my favorite late record store. 

tonight! my friends are playing with weezer! yayayayayay! okay im leaving now!

i love this boy. he hates pictures like this. my kitchen smells good. 

i will post lots o' stuff when i finish(start) my biiig paper.

i want red hair.

today was reallll fun.

and sleepy.

l'elephant!

she is knitted with wool from sheila midechi's garden in kenya! she is so perfectly imperfect.

today i...

went on a lovely walk, 

painted the window of a toy store,

took some toy store photos,

and fell in love with the cutest little kenyan elephant that i am going to buy tomorrow!

hes on the top right! he is 40 dollars and i love him. 

we play endlessly

i have not written in a few days, oh well. i swear, its not because i havnt been inspired.
last night i saw sigur ros... it was a dream.
(for me, their music is an assembly of nostalgia, fear and sensuality. i remember the first time i heard them. lying on the floor with all of my old best friends, heads on each others shoulders and bellies, our bodies still for the 11:45 that is ( )'s 8th song. some of us cried and others fell into sleep. that was the best summer i ever had. in highschool all of my fantasies were always alongside sigur ros songs. every wish that i had would sweep into crescendos and match those majestic melodies and quivering voices. they were always hard and soft, loud and quiet, a lion and a lamb. the music always made me feel like i fit.)
i have paint all over my knees, face and hands.
i was trying to go back to the dream. 

"Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, there was connection between them again. It came on him as he was working in the fields. The tension, the bond, burst, and the passionate flood broke forward into a tremendous, magnificent rush, so that he felt he could snap off the trees as he passed, and create the world afresh."

green eyes.

faces are very strange. more and more lately, ive found myself changing my mind about people after i find out what their faces look like. i may not make sense. 

when i love a certain singer, and i dont know what they look like, i love that their music has an air of mystery to it. i love that i know nothing about them other then the the words they sing... yet if i figure out what they look like, no matter handsome or ugly, my ideas change about them and they are no longer the same in my mind. their creations become entirely different, and instead of it being some mystical and intangible they turn ordinary. this just happened to me with an artist that ive been looking at lately. whenever i looked at her art i always took specific features from her portraits and created a person of my own. my creation was exactly who i thought she should be, based on her art and her mind. of course, no one can reach an ideal, but i liked the fact that she had an identity that may or may not have been real. i liked that she was an enigma. 

its not that reality is disappointing, i just that faces are too real. they allow you to know too much. 

view from my window

(this will be my 365 blog. i will publish an piece of writing (mine or not) or submit a piece of art or a photograph (mine or not) every day of the next year (hopefully). this will be a lot less mysterious then my other online journals... and less mysterious may mean less compelling. i hope someone actually reads this.)

i realized that, as of late, i never record my thoughts. i used to write down most things that went through my head, but life got too busy and i forgot about my past attempts to freeze time and explain myself. i started this blog a couple months ago, and never wrote in it. i promise myself today that i will try (try try try) to write at least one thing down for 365 days. i know i may miss a day or two, but thats okay. i just want to remember what this part of my life was like.