where the water meets the sand

she sells them oranges by the shore, three for a silver piece, the last they'll taste of this sweet land, before they set out east. they walk with eyes fixed to the ground, never to see her face, one by one they come and go, never to see her grace. i hear them calling me to leave, the grace thats in her hand, thats all that i have ever known, the past and its command. this restless pull to wander seas, has held me like a leash- and never till she held me close, have i ever felt released. i've held the night with a drunkards hand, i've herd the dark sirens spell, i've woke the dawn in my own blood, from the bottom of a well. in the morning light she calls to me, and holds my calloused hand, she bids me to come lay with her, where the water meets the sand.

ive been finding the most comfort in things that are tangible. pens, pages, and leather bound bindings offer me the most protection this month. maybe soon/one day/some day i will type out all of my scribbled thoughts and share them with you. but as for now, they will be the only ones i confide in.

i hope that people can love me for what i really am. for what they dont know about me, what they could know about me, and all that is secret.
i dont want a half of anything. i want a whole.
i want to know all of you.

trouble;

underlined: the sea remains the unthinkable birth and death

on a happier note,
i really love pretty stories of a boy and a girl who cannot touch. sometimes drowning yourself in a scene is okay, as long as you dont ever forget the life that brought you there.
tonight "womens poetry in france (1965-1995)" was my favorite read (thank you, lovely girl!). it was best with fuzzy bathrobes and wet, sweet smelling shower hair. ive misplaced my glasses, so my eyes were trying to squeeze the letters right off the pages! (and it worked pretty well). i have found that those numbered 33, 107, and 201 are the best for my current state of heart.
la mer reste l'impensable naissance et mort

the most comforting sound

static puts me to sleep. those songs that sound like they were recorded in basements, under staircases or from a pocket at a little show are always the best. the ones with coughs and claps and creeks and throat clearings... the sounds of rough and quiet. these are the most comforting sounds. they remind me of my younger self, fiddling around with my friends and listening to songs they would sing to me. they remind me of home.

She is standing on my eyelids
And her hair is in my hair
She has the color of my eye
She has the body of my hand
In my shade she is engulfed
As a stone against the sky

She will never close her eyes
And she does not let me sleep
And her dreams in the bright day
Make the suns evaporate
And me laugh cry and laugh
Speak when I have nothing to say 

holidays

i may be hiding from the sun, or it may be hiding from me. it seems i can never sleep until its just about morning time, then i wake up when mom shows and infomercials are the only things on tv. all i want to do at nighttime now is to look at art and wish i could create it (that, that and that!) or watch films and be lazy and now my eyes are burning. home is a little lacking, but things are normal. i have been wrapping presents (not from me) alllllll day, and i am very very excited about christmas because i really love eating turkey. my family plays fun games and lovingly bickers at eachother all day long on christmas, and its my moms birthday too. we never save the wishbone.
last night i saw the sound of music with every single lady in my boyfriends family. all night i cried and shivered and held my hands to my face, it was the most wonderful thing. i wish sooooooo so so so so much that i had time to do another play right now (for those of you who do not know, i am an avid musical theater player and have been many characters, from chava to gretal to cinderella. theater and dance and singing were my entire life from ages 5-17.) since i started university i have not done any plays... i miss it terribly. i hope that those nights on stage will not just turn into a memory of mine. the stage is where i thrive! i want to feel that again.
i think i am getting sick because all i do is sit on my bum and bake. oh dear.
i wish i could write what i really wanted in here, but just as what has happened in my other blogs - ive become cautious. im too scared of everything. i want to say so many things! but i shouldnt, so i dont.
dont judge me. please, please dont ever judge me.
lately i feel like saying bad things.

im really, really happy with the mistakes i have made.

yay!

i am finally finished my first semester of third year. the past two months have been awful because of the incredible amount of school work i have had to do - ive never had to write so many papers in my life! big or small, my final count was roughly 30 for the semester. i think it might have even been more then that. it does seems my hard work has paid off and lately i am feeling infinitely smarter then i ever have before, but i just really hope i never have to go through that again.
now for the next month, i will not have to think about nietzche, kant, frege, malinowski, or wittgenstien at all! (but god knows i will still think of those impoverished, sexualized carribs or the slaves of major corporations in africa.)

my celebrations are less exciting then most. i will simply lie back with my favorite tea in hand, my favorite song repeating in my headphones and the best chocolate i can find. while among my dirty and tangled sheets and my softly lit tea lights, i will stare at the dark celling and bask (for hours) in the lovely tranquility of calm.

too many things.

posts have been lacking because i have more schoolwork now then i ever have, or ever probably (hopefully) will again.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
8 papers and 1 exam. eight papers and one exam.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
pray for me if thats what you do.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
i will come back to you on wednesday.

its cold...

so im a snowbird now.

ive been biting my nails far too often these days, im nervous about something.
ive been bating my eyes, im as frail as a leaf.

specimens,

a circle, a square.

i want to be an elf, a hippie, a love child, a fairy.
i want to be so many things. when i look at groups and crowds and cliques i can only think that i am all of them. i am the goth, the really big geek who sits in the back. i am the world explorer and the loner. i am the principle and the most beautiful girl in school.
i am the dark and light and morning and night. i am the painter and the music maker. i am the christian, the buddist and the nudist. im the really rich kid, and the one who had to steal his bread. i am the bearded and the bald. im a fish. im the baker and the candlestick maker. i am the contradictory, i am the unfinished. i am a circle, i am a square.
i feel like a cat today, like i have 9 lives. i am realizing more and more that there are so many parts of my life that will never know the other parts.
maybe i am confused. but today i am feeling like so many separate things.
(though i probably wont be feeling this way tomorrow.)

on a separate note:
the past week was really good. i baked an apple pie and found a brownies dress among little girls vintage. i peeled clementines, bought baileys liquor chocolates and dried 2 bouquets. i sat amongst friends who quietly strummed guitar, i put a little boy to bed and i stole extra bread. i watched a strange movie, ate a really nice dinner out and kissed romantically by candle light.
this day has been lazy and among other things, im feeling intellectual. the trees are blowing over and guelph is getting another snowfall of the season.
things are so simple because i have made a purpose of not making things complicated. from my past i have learned that things are better left quiet. life is only happy if you focus on what is beautiful. that way, i dont cry too much.
of course i am afraid that soon, things will get twisted. school is very hard and some people i love are in very bad places in their lives. but winter months bring upon so much change. and as the seasons change, i change too. i can only only pray that the inevitable change is good.

i yearn for a seahorse as a pet. that is going to be my entire christmas list.

dont stay so far away from me

yesterday was the day of all days.
i saw my greatest (old) friend, whom i (love and) miss more then any friend in the world - because its a very rare occasion that we can see eachother (because of jobs/exams/time and those constant seperating oceans). he played his own amazing music for all my (new) friends! and he was (so) scared... even though he had no reason to be. his music (, on numerous occasions has) made me cry.
and had my 3 year anniversary with jason. 3 (long) years, 3 (short) years and so many (many) more to go. he bought me (lovely) flowers! (for the first time ever! hah!) i will show them to you when i do my (dried flower) art. (i feel) i want to marry this boy.
what a lovely, lovely day.
(i feel like my past and my future have flashed before my eyes.)

snowbirds

life is a blur..

i dont ever want any of my friends to feel like they are alone or unworthy. so many of them have been hurt lately, and my heart just aches for them. i want to strive to be a really great friend because so many people in my life really need that right now.
they need someone to keep their hearts, and i dont want to leave any of them behind. i want to hold them and cry for them and stay up with them all night to talk. i always want them to feel like they are loved and that they have someone to confide in. i want them to really experience the good in life and to see how much they are cared for and appreciated. i want them to know the truth.

lately, i am immersed within the people i love. in their times of need i have realized one thing:
friends, you are my home.

everything is changing.

im feeling dainty today... ive been drinking out of very tiny teacups.

lately ive been wanting to make a series of dried flower art. i have many vintage wooden frames that would be perfect for things of this sort.
sadly, wildflowers are not in bloom at this time of year.
someone, please buy me a bouquet.