Monday, October 6, 2008

i cannot play guitar.

ive always been too worried of what others will think of me to be an artist, a singer, a poet. ive had this constant fear of someone being able to look right inside of me if i were to spill my guts out in any of these ways. i see artists as the most brave people out there, no matter what they write or paint or sing. with everything they do, they put themselves on the line and show who they are, they allow themselves to be looked at and jugged and allow people to approve or not.

i wish i could be that way. but all of the things i do in private, i would never be able to show anyone. my own art is something that not another soul can see, because then it becomes tainted. instead of being something of beauty and release it turns into waves of worry and fear and loneliness. am i good? am i bad? i constantly long for peoples approval.
i always have something to say and a way i want to say it, but i am too afraid of peoples criticism. im too scared to be seen as wrong or illogical or dumb. i wholeheartedly fear the opinion of others. i can argue and debate in person but i cannot play guitar.

more and more lately ive had a longing to be that type of person who wants to sing for the sake of being heard, who can write for the sake of it being read, to create something for the sake of sight.

i wonder if this is the case for lots of people. i hope that what people see of others is just a small portion of a deep and intricate whole.
everyone but the artist is a coward.

1 comment:

brianna irene bijman said...

you are no coward. do you see what you wrote? do you see?

i am most afraid of people knowing i am afraid.