Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
She is standing on my eyelids
And her hair is in my hair
She has the color of my eye
She has the body of my hand
In my shade she is engulfed
As a stone against the sky
She will never close her eyes
And she does not let me sleep
And her dreams in the bright day
Make the suns evaporate
And me laugh cry and laugh
Speak when I have nothing to say
Thursday, December 18, 2008
last night i saw the sound of music with every single lady in my boyfriends family. all night i cried and shivered and held my hands to my face, it was the most wonderful thing. i wish sooooooo so so so so much that i had time to do another play right now (for those of you who do not know, i am an avid musical theater player and have been many characters, from chava to gretal to cinderella. theater and dance and singing were my entire life from ages 5-17.) since i started university i have not done any plays... i miss it terribly. i hope that those nights on stage will not just turn into a memory of mine. the stage is where i thrive! i want to feel that again.
i think i am getting sick because all i do is sit on my bum and bake. oh dear.
i wish i could write what i really wanted in here, but just as what has happened in my other blogs - ive become cautious. im too scared of everything. i want to say so many things! but i shouldnt, so i dont.
dont judge me. please, please dont ever judge me.
lately i feel like saying bad things.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
now for the next month, i will not have to think about nietzche, kant, frege, malinowski, or wittgenstien at all! (but god knows i will still think of those impoverished, sexualized carribs or the slaves of major corporations in africa.)
my celebrations are less exciting then most. i will simply lie back with my favorite tea in hand, my favorite song repeating in my headphones and the best chocolate i can find. while among my dirty and tangled sheets and my softly lit tea lights, i will stare at the dark celling and bask (for hours) in the lovely tranquility of calm.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
8 papers and 1 exam. eight papers and one exam.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
pray for me if thats what you do.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
i will come back to you on wednesday.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
i want to be so many things. when i look at groups and crowds and cliques i can only think that i am all of them. i am the goth, the really big geek who sits in the back. i am the world explorer and the loner. i am the principle and the most beautiful girl in school.
i am the dark and light and morning and night. i am the painter and the music maker. i am the christian, the buddist and the nudist. im the really rich kid, and the one who had to steal his bread. i am the bearded and the bald. im a fish. im the baker and the candlestick maker. i am the contradictory, i am the unfinished. i am a circle, i am a square.
i feel like a cat today, like i have 9 lives. i am realizing more and more that there are so many parts of my life that will never know the other parts.
maybe i am confused. but today i am feeling like so many separate things.
(though i probably wont be feeling this way tomorrow.)
on a separate note:
the past week was really good. i baked an apple pie and found a brownies dress among little girls vintage. i peeled clementines, bought baileys liquor chocolates and dried 2 bouquets. i sat amongst friends who quietly strummed guitar, i put a little boy to bed and i stole extra bread. i watched a strange movie, ate a really nice dinner out and kissed romantically by candle light.
this day has been lazy and among other things, im feeling intellectual. the trees are blowing over and guelph is getting another snowfall of the season.
things are so simple because i have made a purpose of not making things complicated. from my past i have learned that things are better left quiet. life is only happy if you focus on what is beautiful. that way, i dont cry too much.
of course i am afraid that soon, things will get twisted. school is very hard and some people i love are in very bad places in their lives. but winter months bring upon so much change. and as the seasons change, i change too. i can only only pray that the inevitable change is good.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
i saw my greatest (old) friend, whom i (love and) miss more then any friend in the world - because its a very rare occasion that we can see eachother (because of jobs/exams/time and those constant seperating oceans). he played his own amazing music for all my (new) friends! and he was (so) scared... even though he had no reason to be. his music (, on numerous occasions has) made me cry.
and had my 3 year anniversary with jason. 3 (long) years, 3 (short) years and so many (many) more to go. he bought me (lovely) flowers! (for the first time ever! hah!) i will show them to you when i do my (dried flower) art. (i feel) i want to marry this boy.
what a lovely, lovely day.
(i feel like my past and my future have flashed before my eyes.)
Friday, November 14, 2008
they need someone to keep their hearts, and i dont want to leave any of them behind. i want to hold them and cry for them and stay up with them all night to talk. i always want them to feel like they are loved and that they have someone to confide in. i want them to really experience the good in life and to see how much they are cared for and appreciated. i want them to know the truth.
lately, i am immersed within the people i love. in their times of need i have realized one thing:
friends, you are my home.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
as of late:
our one toilet broke and flooded our whole upstairs twice this week (pee everywhere!). our streets power went off all day today. ive no money for food. our heater is always breaking. the water sounds like a shooting gun because there is perma-air in the pipes. our oven burns cakes at 200 degrees. there are too many house centipedes. our walls are so cracked. there is too much mold. our shower drain is plugged so its like we are always having a bath. all of our lights flicker.
yet, i dont mind at all.
i love where i live.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
right now i am naked and cold, but i am here. i am aware and i am alive. yet i fear that when the sun comes up (though i will be warm again,) my mind will go numb. my own me will disappear.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
he is a liar.
i have to write a paper but i cant stop thinking.
i got a pink _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ from my family.
i want to forgive.
i want to tell you the truth, but i dont want to loose you again.
a kitten has disappeared.
my best friend is coming home soon.
i smell smoke.
those people make me nervous, thats why i dont want to go.
this is not a big deal.
there is a puppy here this week.
my roommate made me a rose cake.
i will watch "flakes" soon.
life. is. fragmented.
happy birthday britney.
we are all liars.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
in most aspects of life - there can be no rebellion. in art, almost everything has been done before. fads of fashions and favorite television shows will all be copies of the ones that came before. hairdos, favorite songs, and all other things are probably just rip offs. everything is in a constant cycle that changes every once in a while, but will always circle back to what it had once been.
but today i learned that within language, this is not the case.
in my philosophy of language class we talked about the idea that absolutely nothing we say has ever been said before. words we form into sentences have probably never been formed that way. intentions are never the exact same as what they had been with another. with the exception of some "hi, how are you?"s and "how do you do"s, nothing that we say in our day to day life has been muttered before. the sentence structure, the language of speech, and the meaning are all that's that are completely new. everything i said today was new, unique, fresh. no matter what is being said, if moral or immoral, if the truth or a lie, it does not matter. the same principle always applies - there are no universal speech. language is the only form of true rebellion.
this gave me a new inspiration. as one who is constantly trying to be different and try my own way of things, i have often found myself thinking that there is no way that i could ever be different then the others who have thought the same ideas as me. we are all stuck in a cycle of unoriginality. an endless trap of doing the same thing as everyone else. the rut of mediocrity.
language is my new found hope. language is my rebellion.
now, i am different then you.
i am always original.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
there have been a lot less thoughts on here then i would like, but its simply because i can never stop. my brain doesn't quit working and sometimes its very hard to pin down exactly what i want to say. i think a thought... but wait! then another, but wait! and another, but wait! wait! wait!
today has been a quiet, melancholy day. im finding my studies have began to change me.
as an anthropology student, i am constantly learning about people and the world. not of equations or fairytales or experiments, but of real people that actually live their lives and their love. i am learning of history and about places beyond here and people who i will never meet but who i would have thought i was much better then. i learn of 8 million being reduced to 15,000. i learn of 21 hour work days. i learn about how we have said MY ways, MY clothes, MY religion. and i learn that we were wrong when we said "it will make your life better! we swear." because that turned into boiling limbs and "sorry to say, but your babies are gonna die." wait! i wish we could reverse the past and turn the world back around, like superman. because all i want to do is hold their faces and say "im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. i love you, i love you, i love you, because no one else ever has" or, i wonder if we can actually change our future. i dont want this to keep happening and i dont want to stand still. i think all we want is CHANGE. but we are standing still and change is not among us. and they, they cant want anything because they may never get it. OUR world, OUR technology, OUR money. money money money money. we havnt changed at all.(the pictures far too big to look at kid, your eyes wont open wide enough.)
wait! wait! wait!
i wish i could be a writer... but i never use capitals and
Monday, October 13, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
i wish i could be that way. but all of the things i do in private, i would never be able to show anyone. my own art is something that not another soul can see, because then it becomes tainted. instead of being something of beauty and release it turns into waves of worry and fear and loneliness. am i good? am i bad? i constantly long for peoples approval.
i always have something to say and a way i want to say it, but i am too afraid of peoples criticism. im too scared to be seen as wrong or illogical or dumb. i wholeheartedly fear the opinion of others. i can argue and debate in person but i cannot play guitar.
more and more lately ive had a longing to be that type of person who wants to sing for the sake of being heard, who can write for the sake of it being read, to create something for the sake of sight.
i wonder if this is the case for lots of people. i hope that what people see of others is just a small portion of a deep and intricate whole.
everyone but the artist is a coward.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
the day has been quite wet and dreary outside, ive been sleepy and cold but all of that misery always brings good things. french movies until 4am, knitted blankets and walking in the rain to buy pre-loved cds. i rather like this weather.
hawksley came to my school today and talked about canadaian politics for a long time, he is such a poet.
and we are a hopeful generation.
oh, and i made pumpkin scuffins to celebrate the first of october yesterday. they are a mixture of scones and muffins, they were delicious! cinnamon and brown sugar and the taste of fall. i love october.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
one of my dearest friends graham and my favorite people from my teenage years are on tour with weezer! so on tuesday i got to see them play at the air canada center. it was one of the most exciting concerts i have ever been to... because... its WEEZER. (omg.)
oh, and angels and airwaves too. but ignore that. (ahah..)
i had to bring my camera even though i hate cameras at concerts...
we were very very far away, but i didnt mind.