holidays

i may be hiding from the sun, or it may be hiding from me. it seems i can never sleep until its just about morning time, then i wake up when mom shows and infomercials are the only things on tv. all i want to do at nighttime now is to look at art and wish i could create it (that, that and that!) or watch films and be lazy and now my eyes are burning. home is a little lacking, but things are normal. i have been wrapping presents (not from me) alllllll day, and i am very very excited about christmas because i really love eating turkey. my family plays fun games and lovingly bickers at eachother all day long on christmas, and its my moms birthday too. we never save the wishbone.
last night i saw the sound of music with every single lady in my boyfriends family. all night i cried and shivered and held my hands to my face, it was the most wonderful thing. i wish sooooooo so so so so much that i had time to do another play right now (for those of you who do not know, i am an avid musical theater player and have been many characters, from chava to gretal to cinderella. theater and dance and singing were my entire life from ages 5-17.) since i started university i have not done any plays... i miss it terribly. i hope that those nights on stage will not just turn into a memory of mine. the stage is where i thrive! i want to feel that again.
i think i am getting sick because all i do is sit on my bum and bake. oh dear.
i wish i could write what i really wanted in here, but just as what has happened in my other blogs - ive become cautious. im too scared of everything. i want to say so many things! but i shouldnt, so i dont.
dont judge me. please, please dont ever judge me.
lately i feel like saying bad things.