the most comforting sound

static puts me to sleep. those songs that sound like they were recorded in basements, under staircases or from a pocket at a little show are always the best. the ones with coughs and claps and creeks and throat clearings... the sounds of rough and quiet. these are the most comforting sounds. they remind me of my younger self, fiddling around with my friends and listening to songs they would sing to me. they remind me of home.

She is standing on my eyelids
And her hair is in my hair
She has the color of my eye
She has the body of my hand
In my shade she is engulfed
As a stone against the sky

She will never close her eyes
And she does not let me sleep
And her dreams in the bright day
Make the suns evaporate
And me laugh cry and laugh
Speak when I have nothing to say 

holidays

i may be hiding from the sun, or it may be hiding from me. it seems i can never sleep until its just about morning time, then i wake up when mom shows and infomercials are the only things on tv. all i want to do at nighttime now is to look at art and wish i could create it (that, that and that!) or watch films and be lazy and now my eyes are burning. home is a little lacking, but things are normal. i have been wrapping presents (not from me) alllllll day, and i am very very excited about christmas because i really love eating turkey. my family plays fun games and lovingly bickers at eachother all day long on christmas, and its my moms birthday too. we never save the wishbone.
last night i saw the sound of music with every single lady in my boyfriends family. all night i cried and shivered and held my hands to my face, it was the most wonderful thing. i wish sooooooo so so so so much that i had time to do another play right now (for those of you who do not know, i am an avid musical theater player and have been many characters, from chava to gretal to cinderella. theater and dance and singing were my entire life from ages 5-17.) since i started university i have not done any plays... i miss it terribly. i hope that those nights on stage will not just turn into a memory of mine. the stage is where i thrive! i want to feel that again.
i think i am getting sick because all i do is sit on my bum and bake. oh dear.
i wish i could write what i really wanted in here, but just as what has happened in my other blogs - ive become cautious. im too scared of everything. i want to say so many things! but i shouldnt, so i dont.
dont judge me. please, please dont ever judge me.
lately i feel like saying bad things.

im really, really happy with the mistakes i have made.

yay!

i am finally finished my first semester of third year. the past two months have been awful because of the incredible amount of school work i have had to do - ive never had to write so many papers in my life! big or small, my final count was roughly 30 for the semester. i think it might have even been more then that. it does seems my hard work has paid off and lately i am feeling infinitely smarter then i ever have before, but i just really hope i never have to go through that again.
now for the next month, i will not have to think about nietzche, kant, frege, malinowski, or wittgenstien at all! (but god knows i will still think of those impoverished, sexualized carribs or the slaves of major corporations in africa.)

my celebrations are less exciting then most. i will simply lie back with my favorite tea in hand, my favorite song repeating in my headphones and the best chocolate i can find. while among my dirty and tangled sheets and my softly lit tea lights, i will stare at the dark celling and bask (for hours) in the lovely tranquility of calm.

too many things.

posts have been lacking because i have more schoolwork now then i ever have, or ever probably (hopefully) will again.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
8 papers and 1 exam. eight papers and one exam.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
pray for me if thats what you do.
ive been losing sleep over too many things.
i will come back to you on wednesday.

its cold...

so im a snowbird now.

ive been biting my nails far too often these days, im nervous about something.
ive been bating my eyes, im as frail as a leaf.

specimens,

a circle, a square.

i want to be an elf, a hippie, a love child, a fairy.
i want to be so many things. when i look at groups and crowds and cliques i can only think that i am all of them. i am the goth, the really big geek who sits in the back. i am the world explorer and the loner. i am the principle and the most beautiful girl in school.
i am the dark and light and morning and night. i am the painter and the music maker. i am the christian, the buddist and the nudist. im the really rich kid, and the one who had to steal his bread. i am the bearded and the bald. im a fish. im the baker and the candlestick maker. i am the contradictory, i am the unfinished. i am a circle, i am a square.
i feel like a cat today, like i have 9 lives. i am realizing more and more that there are so many parts of my life that will never know the other parts.
maybe i am confused. but today i am feeling like so many separate things.
(though i probably wont be feeling this way tomorrow.)

on a separate note:
the past week was really good. i baked an apple pie and found a brownies dress among little girls vintage. i peeled clementines, bought baileys liquor chocolates and dried 2 bouquets. i sat amongst friends who quietly strummed guitar, i put a little boy to bed and i stole extra bread. i watched a strange movie, ate a really nice dinner out and kissed romantically by candle light.
this day has been lazy and among other things, im feeling intellectual. the trees are blowing over and guelph is getting another snowfall of the season.
things are so simple because i have made a purpose of not making things complicated. from my past i have learned that things are better left quiet. life is only happy if you focus on what is beautiful. that way, i dont cry too much.
of course i am afraid that soon, things will get twisted. school is very hard and some people i love are in very bad places in their lives. but winter months bring upon so much change. and as the seasons change, i change too. i can only only pray that the inevitable change is good.

i yearn for a seahorse as a pet. that is going to be my entire christmas list.

dont stay so far away from me

yesterday was the day of all days.
i saw my greatest (old) friend, whom i (love and) miss more then any friend in the world - because its a very rare occasion that we can see eachother (because of jobs/exams/time and those constant seperating oceans). he played his own amazing music for all my (new) friends! and he was (so) scared... even though he had no reason to be. his music (, on numerous occasions has) made me cry.
and had my 3 year anniversary with jason. 3 (long) years, 3 (short) years and so many (many) more to go. he bought me (lovely) flowers! (for the first time ever! hah!) i will show them to you when i do my (dried flower) art. (i feel) i want to marry this boy.
what a lovely, lovely day.
(i feel like my past and my future have flashed before my eyes.)

snowbirds

life is a blur..

i dont ever want any of my friends to feel like they are alone or unworthy. so many of them have been hurt lately, and my heart just aches for them. i want to strive to be a really great friend because so many people in my life really need that right now.
they need someone to keep their hearts, and i dont want to leave any of them behind. i want to hold them and cry for them and stay up with them all night to talk. i always want them to feel like they are loved and that they have someone to confide in. i want them to really experience the good in life and to see how much they are cared for and appreciated. i want them to know the truth.

lately, i am immersed within the people i love. in their times of need i have realized one thing:
friends, you are my home.

everything is changing.

im feeling dainty today... ive been drinking out of very tiny teacups.

lately ive been wanting to make a series of dried flower art. i have many vintage wooden frames that would be perfect for things of this sort.
sadly, wildflowers are not in bloom at this time of year.
someone, please buy me a bouquet.

the idea of a 365 journal is silly. i cant be bothered to write something on here 7 days a week. as youve seen, i have gone days and days without writing and it makes me feel bad. so now, this is just a normal journal. mmhmm.

as of late:
our one toilet broke and flooded our whole upstairs twice this week (pee everywhere!). our streets power went off all day today. ive no money for food. our heater is always breaking. the water sounds like a shooting gun because there is perma-air in the pipes. our oven burns cakes at 200 degrees. there are too many house centipedes. our walls are so cracked. there is too much mold. our shower drain is plugged so its like we are always having a bath. all of our lights flicker.
yet, i dont mind at all.
i love where i live.

i feel so blessed to be alive today.

i am so so so excited with the turnout of the u.s. election.

tonight is a night of history!

and now is the time for change.

two very sweet things,

i swear, this is my last kitten post. 

during the day, it seems all of my emotions come in bursts. they say "poof!" and they are gone. i cannot think during the day, there are too many beep beeps and speak speaks and distractions. the world moves too fast. the night is when i come alive. this is the only time i can adjust and focus. the time when i can stay hidden from those who are the not i. i can keep myself away from the prying eyes of "them". night is when i see what i want to see - this is when i can be tucked inside myself and i can be it. i can be whole. this is when i thrive.
right now i am naked and cold, but i am here. i am aware and i am alive. yet i fear that when the sun comes up (though i will be warm again,) my mind will go numb. my own me will disappear.

chillin out maxin relaxin all cool

i want to fishy kiss this face.

apologies, ive been swallowed whole.

im your mamma

and i will protect you.

dont be sad, baby.

because i love you so.

cake for breakfast.

my roomate made it for me. it was real good. 

im 20 years old today.

he is a liar. 

i have to write a paper but i cant stop thinking.

i got a pink  _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _  from my family.

i want to forgive.

i want to tell you the truth, but i dont want to loose you again.

a kitten has disappeared.

my best friend is coming home soon.

i smell smoke.

those people make me nervous, thats why i dont want to go.

this is not a big deal.

there is a puppy here this week. 

my roommate made me a rose cake. 

i will watch "flakes" soon.

life. is. fragmented. 

happy birthday britney.

we are all liars.

time moves too fast.

sometimes i wish we could freeze it. 

i am always original.

in most aspects of life - there can be no rebellion. in art, almost everything has been done before. fads of fashions and favorite television shows will all be copies of the ones that came before. hairdos, favorite songs, and all other things are probably just rip offs.  everything is in a constant cycle that changes every once in a while, but will always circle back to what it had once been. 

but today i learned that within language, this is not the case. 

in my philosophy of language class we talked about the idea that absolutely nothing we say has ever been said before. words we form into sentences have probably never been formed that way. intentions are never the exact same as what they had been with another. with the exception of  some "hi, how are you?"s and "how do you do"s, nothing that we say in our day to day life has been muttered before. the sentence structure, the language  of speech, and the meaning are all that's that are completely new. everything i said today was new, unique, fresh. no matter what is being said, if moral or immoral, if the truth or a lie, it does not matter. the same principle always applies - there are no universal speech.  language is the only form of true rebellion. 

this gave me a new inspiration. as one who is constantly trying to be different and try my own way of things, i have often found myself thinking that there is no way that i could ever be different then the others who have thought the same ideas as me. we are all stuck in a cycle of unoriginality. an endless trap of doing the same thing as everyone else. the rut of mediocrity. 

language is my new found hope. language is my rebellion.

now, i am different then you. 

i am always original. 

mhmm.

i want to go places.

hi babies!

hi babies! sorry ive been away.
here are some pictures from my weekend...
lovey bike rides and waterfalls and more more more baby kitties.

consciousness

his epiphany,

happiness is only real when shared.

your voice singing,

"i like your company"

unite!

“we live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities.”

and unrelated, i am feeling very marxist today.

stop.

there have been a lot less thoughts on here then i would like, but its simply because i can never stop. my brain doesn't quit working and sometimes its very hard to pin down exactly what i want to say. i think a thought... but wait! then another, but wait! and another, but wait! wait! wait! 

stop.

today has been a quiet, melancholy day. im finding my studies have began to change me.
as an anthropology student, i am constantly learning about people and the world. not of equations or fairytales or experiments, but of real people that actually live their lives and their love. i am learning of history and about places beyond here and people who i will never meet but who i would have thought i was much better then. i learn of 8 million being reduced to 15,000. i learn of 21 hour work days. i learn about how we have said MY ways, MY clothes, MY religion. and i learn that we were wrong when we said "it will make your life better! we swear." because that turned into boiling limbs and "sorry to say, but your babies are gonna die." wait! i wish we could reverse the past and turn the world back around, like superman. because all i want to do is hold their faces and say "im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. i love you, i love you, i love you, because no one else ever has" or, i wonder if we can actually change our future. i dont want this to keep happening and i dont want to stand still. i think all we want is CHANGE. but we are standing still and change is not among us. and they, they cant want anything because they may never get it. OUR world, OUR technology, OUR money. money money money money. we havnt changed at all.(the pictures far too big to look at kid, your eyes wont open wide enough.)

wait! wait! wait!

i wish i could be a writer... but i never use capitals and 

stop.

woman of the woods

happy fall, folks.

i am thankful for her. 

what are you thankful for?

i love...

i love fall photo shoots with bri.
i love love singing ella fitzgerald & louie.
i love love love poetry readings & raw folk songs.
i love love love love little, giggling, blonde, baby boys.
i love love love love love new friends & a community of love.

-

tears of joy!

i saw ray lamontagne.
there are no words, just tears of joy, tears of joy, tears of joy!







my life is complete!

...

my real identity

colours

there are leaves in my hair.

i cannot play guitar.

ive always been too worried of what others will think of me to be an artist, a singer, a poet. ive had this constant fear of someone being able to look right inside of me if i were to spill my guts out in any of these ways. i see artists as the most brave people out there, no matter what they write or paint or sing. with everything they do, they put themselves on the line and show who they are, they allow themselves to be looked at and jugged and allow people to approve or not.

i wish i could be that way. but all of the things i do in private, i would never be able to show anyone. my own art is something that not another soul can see, because then it becomes tainted. instead of being something of beauty and release it turns into waves of worry and fear and loneliness. am i good? am i bad? i constantly long for peoples approval.
i always have something to say and a way i want to say it, but i am too afraid of peoples criticism. im too scared to be seen as wrong or illogical or dumb. i wholeheartedly fear the opinion of others. i can argue and debate in person but i cannot play guitar.

more and more lately ive had a longing to be that type of person who wants to sing for the sake of being heard, who can write for the sake of it being read, to create something for the sake of sight.

i wonder if this is the case for lots of people. i hope that what people see of others is just a small portion of a deep and intricate whole.
everyone but the artist is a coward.

nuit blanche! tonight!
and ive been playing with 3 little kittens allll day. i wish i wasnt so allergic...

its the saddest part of my day when you go away.

cozy day,

the day has been quite wet and dreary outside, ive been sleepy and cold but all of that misery always brings good things. french movies until 4am, knitted blankets and walking in the rain to buy pre-loved cds. i rather like this weather.
hawksley came to my school today and talked about canadaian politics for a long time, he is such a poet.
and we are a hopeful generation.
oh, and i made pumpkin scuffins to celebrate the first of october yesterday. they are a mixture of scones and muffins, they were delicious! cinnamon and brown sugar and the taste of fall. i love october.

on tuesday night,

one of my dearest friends graham and my favorite people from my teenage years are on tour with weezer! so on tuesday i got to see them play at the air canada center. it was one of the most exciting concerts i have ever been to... because... its WEEZER. (omg.)

oh, and angels and airwaves too. but ignore that. (ahah..)

i had to bring my camera even though i hate cameras at concerts...

we were very very far away, but i didnt mind. 

weezer invited lots of toronto musicians on stage to play their instruments. an old indian man in a white suit did a lovely accordian solo to "island in the sun". mmmhmmmm.